Shame and Suicide

Shame is a complex, often misunderstood emotion, but it holds a particularly strong and sometimes devastating grip on many men. Unlike guilt, which tends to focus on specific actions ("I did something bad"), shame is a deeper feeling, one that involves a denigration of the self ("I am bad"). It is an emotion that can shape and influence many aspects of a man’s life, and, unfortunately, it is also closely linked to some of the most concerning outcomes, including depression and even suicide. At Inner Warrior Therapy, we recognise the profound impact that shame can have on men’s mental health and work diligently to address it in a way that fosters healing, growth, and ultimately, better therapeutic outcomes.

The Weight of Shame in Men’s Lives

Research consistently shows that shame is a powerful and pervasive emotion for men, often at the core of their struggles. It can stem from an inability to meet societal expectations tied to masculinity, such as being a provider, protector, or achiever. When men fail to live up to these standards, they can experience overwhelming feelings of inadequacy, failure, and shame.

For instance, men who experience traumatic brain injuries (TBI) may struggle with the shame of relying on others for help, which clashes with the traditional masculine role of being a strong, independent provider. Similarly, men in the military may feel shame if they survive while others in their unit perish, violating the protector and warrior roles they are expected to embody. Even in everyday life, men who are victims of domestic violence may feel shame when reaching out for help, fearing unsympathetic responses that reinforce their feelings of weakness or failure.

Shame often arises when men feel they cannot meet the rigid expectations of masculinity set by society or even their own inner standards. The pressure to constantly perform—whether in relationships, work, or personal achievements—can build up, leading to self-criticism and deep-seated emotional pain. This pain, when left unaddressed, can contribute to destructive behaviours, including aggression, substance use, or complete withdrawal.

Shame and Suicide: The Hidden Link

Unfortunately, shame is not only a driver of negative mental health outcomes; it is also closely tied to suicide, particularly in men. Studies have shown that men are less likely to seek help for their mental health struggles, largely because of the stigma surrounding vulnerability and the fear of being perceived as weak or incapable. This lack of help-seeking behaviour, combined with a sense of isolation, can exacerbate feelings of shame and despair.

For men, shame can be a significant barrier to seeking therapy or disclosing their emotional pain. When shame is coupled with societal expectations of toughness and emotional control, the result is often a dangerous silence. As shame spirals, men may begin to feel that they are beyond redemption, which can lead to thoughts of suicide as a perceived escape from their emotional suffering.

This is where the therapeutic environment becomes crucial. To truly help men, we must create a space where they can confront their shame, not as a weakness, but as a part of their human experience. We need to help them reframe shame and provide tools to manage it in healthy, constructive ways.

A Male-Friendly Approach to Addressing Shame

At Inner Warrior Therapy, we take a specialised approach to helping men understand and manage shame. We recognise that shame is deeply tied to the constructs of masculinity, and we address this with sensitivity, empathy, and a commitment to promoting healthier ways of being.

Here are some of the key approaches we use to work with shame in men, promoting better mental health and therapeutic outcomes:

1. Understanding Masculinity Without Judgment

Many therapeutic approaches to men’s mental health focus on dismantling harmful elements of traditional masculinity. While we certainly acknowledge the damage caused by the rigid ideals of ‘toxic masculinity’, we also recognise that masculinity itself isn’t inherently harmful. Positive masculinity, which focuses on strength, resilience, leadership, and emotional awareness, can be a powerful antidote to the shame men often feel. By reframing masculinity as a force for growth rather than restriction, we help men feel empowered to embrace healthier, more balanced versions of themselves.

This approach involves respecting the unique challenges that men face while also encouraging positive growth and self-compassion. We invite men to take an active role in their therapy, empowering them to lead their own healing journey and feel in control of their outcomes.

2. Avoiding Shame in Therapy

We are deeply mindful of the fact that men who feel shame are often reluctant to express their emotions or talk about their struggles. As a result, we approach therapy with care, avoiding any language or actions that might inadvertently shame the client. For example, using terms like "toxic masculinity" can alienate some men and reinforce feelings of inadequacy. Instead, we focus on how to harness positive masculinity and acknowledge the value that men bring to their families, communities, and society at large.

We are also mindful of not pushing men to open up too quickly or pressure them into discussing feelings they are not ready to confront. Instead, we start with practical, solution-focused approaches that allow men to feel more comfortable before delving deeper into the emotional aspects of their experiences. This gradual approach helps to reduce the risk of shame and ensures that men can engage at their own pace.

3. Creating a Safe, Supportive Environment

For many men, the idea of talking about their vulnerabilities can feel alien or threatening. At Inner Warrior Therapy, we create an environment where vulnerability is not seen as a weakness but as a courageous step towards healing. By normalising emotional expression and showing men that it is okay to seek help, we help reduce the shame that often keeps them isolated.

Moreover, we integrate aspects of humour and practical strategies that resonate with men, helping them feel less intimidated by therapy. Using relatable metaphors or drawing on their interests, such as sports or hobbies, can make the therapeutic process feel more accessible and less daunting.

4. Addressing the Root Causes of Shame

We work with clients to explore the root causes of their shame, which often stem from past experiences or trauma. Men who have been exposed to violent trauma, either in their youth or later in life, often carry deep feelings of shame that can lead to unhealthy behaviours such as aggression, substance abuse, or self-harm. By acknowledging the ways in which these experiences have shaped their emotional lives, we can help men reframe their shame in a way that allows for healing.

Additionally, we explore how societal pressures—whether in relationships, work, or culture—have contributed to their feelings of inadequacy. Understanding these pressures is key to dismantling the internalised beliefs that fuel shame and give rise to harmful behaviours.

Moving Towards Healing: A Journey of Self-Compassion and Growth

Shame does not have to define a man’s life. With the right support and approach, men can learn to overcome shame, embrace positive masculinity, and make healthier choices for their mental and emotional well-being. At Inner Warrior Therapy, we work closely with our clients to break the cycle of shame and provide them with tools to lead fulfilling, meaningful lives.

If you’re a man struggling with feelings of shame or isolation, we are here to help. Together, we can work towards transforming your relationship with yourself, fostering a sense of self-worth, and creating the foundation for a happier, healthier future.

carl@innerwarriortherapy.co.uk

07307224924

Carl Stephens Founder of Inner Warrior Therapy